Thoughts of a first-time mom

Now that I have had a child of my own I look at life differently, especially the creation of it. I see every menstrual cycle now as a life that could have been. I'm not saying that I wish all of them had been lives but now going through a cycle is an entirely different experience. I realize that it is something beautiful and sacred, whereas before it was something obnoxious and inconvenient.

I find myself wanting more and more to just spend every day cuddling with my son. It makes it really hard to get anything done around the house. I also realize though, that I will not always have this time to cuddle with my children. As I grow older and have more children they will need my attention also and so unfortunately I will not have the opportunity to cuddle with them as much as I do with Little Jon. I have decided that that is part of the blessing/curse of being the firstborn. Maybe I am wrong after all I have only had one child but it seems that firstborn children get more attention from mom then any of the other children will at such a young age. In return though, the firstborn also gets to go through the grueling experience of parents trying to figure out how to be parents. They get to experience all of their first time parent's mistakes.
Always wanting to cuddle with my son makes me realize how lucky I am. I get to stay home and have that opportunity, if I choose, to cuddle with my son all day long however, my husband has to go to work and school. Staying home with your children all day can be hard but I think that we as women get the better end of the deal. I would much rather be able to stay home and hang out with my children all day long, even during the hard days and the frustrating ones too, then have to be away from them all day long knowing that if I'm lucky I might be able to spend an hour or two with them once I get home. Thank you to all the fathers who don't complain and still love their children just as much as we do.


The other day Jonathan and I were discussing the difference between loving your spouse and loving your child. Loving your spouse is something you seek after, it's something you strive for and work towards. Every day you try to increase that love with your spouse. Loving your child on the other hand cannot be helped. There seems to be no decision involved in whether you love your child or not. It is instantaneous and uncontrollable. A child has a way of weaving its way into your heart so quickly and so deeply that it is so hard to imagine ever letting go even though eventually you know you will have to. Last week I asked my parents what they thought the hardest part about being a parent was and immediately my father answered saying "letting go. " I think that I am just beginning to understand what he meant. I am so grateful for all of the parents in the world. Being a parent is a hard job, you spend the first 18 years of your child's life loving nurturing and caring for them without so much as a thank you or an understanding of what it takes to do the job. Then, if you are lucky, your child will reach the point in their lives where they can finally see life from your shoes and understand how much hard work you put into raising you and how much they truly love you. It is a very humbling moment as a child to realize how much you were given, and how little you gave back. So thank you to my parents and to parents everywhere for all that you've done for us. We may not tell you, in fact we may not even realize, but we are eternally in your debt. Thank you.