Thoughts of a first-time mom

Now that I have had a child of my own I look at life differently, especially the creation of it. I see every menstrual cycle now as a life that could have been. I'm not saying that I wish all of them had been lives but now going through a cycle is an entirely different experience. I realize that it is something beautiful and sacred, whereas before it was something obnoxious and inconvenient.

I find myself wanting more and more to just spend every day cuddling with my son. It makes it really hard to get anything done around the house. I also realize though, that I will not always have this time to cuddle with my children. As I grow older and have more children they will need my attention also and so unfortunately I will not have the opportunity to cuddle with them as much as I do with Little Jon. I have decided that that is part of the blessing/curse of being the firstborn. Maybe I am wrong after all I have only had one child but it seems that firstborn children get more attention from mom then any of the other children will at such a young age. In return though, the firstborn also gets to go through the grueling experience of parents trying to figure out how to be parents. They get to experience all of their first time parent's mistakes.
Always wanting to cuddle with my son makes me realize how lucky I am. I get to stay home and have that opportunity, if I choose, to cuddle with my son all day long however, my husband has to go to work and school. Staying home with your children all day can be hard but I think that we as women get the better end of the deal. I would much rather be able to stay home and hang out with my children all day long, even during the hard days and the frustrating ones too, then have to be away from them all day long knowing that if I'm lucky I might be able to spend an hour or two with them once I get home. Thank you to all the fathers who don't complain and still love their children just as much as we do.


The other day Jonathan and I were discussing the difference between loving your spouse and loving your child. Loving your spouse is something you seek after, it's something you strive for and work towards. Every day you try to increase that love with your spouse. Loving your child on the other hand cannot be helped. There seems to be no decision involved in whether you love your child or not. It is instantaneous and uncontrollable. A child has a way of weaving its way into your heart so quickly and so deeply that it is so hard to imagine ever letting go even though eventually you know you will have to. Last week I asked my parents what they thought the hardest part about being a parent was and immediately my father answered saying "letting go. " I think that I am just beginning to understand what he meant. I am so grateful for all of the parents in the world. Being a parent is a hard job, you spend the first 18 years of your child's life loving nurturing and caring for them without so much as a thank you or an understanding of what it takes to do the job. Then, if you are lucky, your child will reach the point in their lives where they can finally see life from your shoes and understand how much hard work you put into raising you and how much they truly love you. It is a very humbling moment as a child to realize how much you were given, and how little you gave back. So thank you to my parents and to parents everywhere for all that you've done for us. We may not tell you, in fact we may not even realize, but we are eternally in your debt. Thank you.

Baby blessing

Little Jon was given a name and a blessing this past Sunday, I can't even begin to explain how beautiful it was and how strong the spirit was. I didn't hear most of the blessing but I could feel the spirit so strongly that I could not withhold tears. There was another baby blessed before Little Jon and even during that blessing I was emotional. As Jonathan was blessing Little Jon I could see his potential. I saw him getting married in the temple and I felt so proud of him, it was overwhelming. I love that little boy so much. I can't explain what I was thinking, only what I felt. This is by far one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. As Jonathan came and sat by me he was racked with sobs. It was so powerful for me to see him that way. As I looked down at my son the congregation started singing him number 139 "in fasting we approach thee." It literally sounded like a chorus of angels. It was so beautiful. I remember thinking this must be what Heavenly Mother feels like when she looks at us. That was such a powerful and comforting thought. This whole experience was so strong it was exhausting. I felt like if I were to close my eyes I would have passed out right then. I imagine this is somewhat what Alma the younger felt after he saw the angel. I am so grateful for this Gospel and for the priesthood. I am grateful for all the family that was able to come out, it was so nice to see all of them. I love my husband at my son and I hope to never forget this day.

Simple pleasures

I have found that when I try to do something sweet for another person it often has an unintended effect on my life that sometimes ends pretty humorously. My husband left his lunch at home today so I wanted to take it to him at school. I had started making bread and decided that I had time to leave the house take Jonathan's lunch and get back in time to finish the bread because it was supposed to raise for 15 minutes anyway. I got back home and the bread was supposed to rise for another three minutes but this is what I saw when I walked in the door. No that is not a loaf of bread sitting on top of my Bosch mixer the dough has in fact raised so much that it has popped out of the top. I have decided that it is these little mishaps that make life fun. I know that my days are considerably happier when I can laugh at myself several times a day.

Our Little Man

So Little Jon freaks out if he gets hot, but never even squeaks if he is cold. We have a car seat cover to keep little Jon warm but it is like a sleeping bag that looks like the inside of a Taun Taun, you know from Star Wars. The problem is I bring him inside and leave him in his car seat forgetting how hot he gets, so he starts screaming and when I take him out his back is covered in sweat. Poor little guy.

I think Little Jon has nightmares too. He will totally asleep, wake up and cry for 2 seconds and go straight back to sleep. Like right now he is trying to go to sleep but he keeps waking up, crying and gong right back to sleep. Sometimes it is just to hard for him to give up the fight and fall asleep. He also struggles because he has not quite acquired full control over his limbs, so often his arms will twitch and wake him up over and over again.

In other news, Little Jon can now roll over from tummy to back, we haven't accomplished the reverse (that darn shoulder just gets in the way). Anyway so I often forget that my son can roll over so I leave him in a room and come back and he has moved, it always takes me a minute to figure out how this happens. Recently I had Little Jon on a blanket in the living room, I had left to go do something and Jonathan was working on homework in the living room. I started to hear Little Jon cry so I went to take care of him so Jonathan could focus. When I went into the room he was gone! It took me about 10 seconds to find him.... under the couch. It took me a while to stop laughing.