Pains

       So sorry I haven't updated in a long time, I have so much to say and share but I will update that later.... hopefully :) So about 2 weeks ago I went in for a routine check up with Little Jon only for the doctor to tell me that my son looked "scary" as in underweight scary. He weighed in at 11 lbs 13 oz at 4 months old, oh yeah and he was born weighing 10 lbs 11 oz, I guess he was right. So I had 2 weeks to get him up in weight, I went from nursing him 20 minutes every 3 hours to 40 minutes every 1.5 hours. After a few days of gorging himself (which ps made me feel like a great mom to see how much my son was starving) we calmed down a little but he was still eating about 20 minutes every 2 hours. We went back 2 weeks later and with all the extra feeding my son weighed in at.... 11 lbs 5 oz, that’s right he had lost more weight. At this point the doctor tells me to go to the hospital today, now. Oh and I should plan to stay overnight my doctor says. I walk home bawling my eyes out, not sure how this is happening but apparently I am starving my baby and now he needs emergency care. And as a side not this whole time my baby has never been fussy or grumpy except for the 2 brief moments of sickness, which could’ve attributed to the weight loss but who knows, he has always been mellow and wonderful. The only way I can console myself is to keep repeated he was acting so happy how could I have possibly known he was starving. 

       We get to the hospital and they want to put an IV in Little Jon however since my son is so dehydrated and his skin is so baggy they are unable to find a vein, oh yeah they tried 8 times to find one by the way. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold your son down while he screams in agony as needles are repeatedly pushed into his body? I am crying now just thinking about it. (Oh and Jonathan is at work now so I am there all alone). Also, did you know they can try to take blood from the veins IN YOUR HEAD! Yeah they tried on Little Jon, I didn’t watch in stead I buried my head in his knees and cried. The problem was they needed blood to run some tests so finally they got the ok to stop poking him except in his heel, which they must have done 3 times right in a row because I have seen a baby heel prick before and it never bled like it did this time. Over and over again I wanted to scream at them to stop but I couldn’t do it, instead again I cried. At times it was so hard I had to leave and just let the nurses hold him down because I couldn’t watch which then also made me feel like a bad mom because I couldn’t stay to support and help my dear sweet boy. 

       After the whole ordeal with the needles one of the nurses tries to talk to me and ask me about the back story of his feeding and begins to lecture me about how "I’m not going to correct your mothering skills but..." which once again makes me feel great. All alone, I am a horrible mom with a starving baby. They finally get me up to my room and everything slowly gets better and I calm down. Which is why I didn’t have either mother come down and help me, because they worst was over and I figured I was ok, and I was. Jonathan gets off of work and comes to join me they have put Little Jon on formula because he needs to gain weight fast. I pretty much assume that nursing my son is over because well even when I have pumped and fed it to him he has struggled trying to nurse after that, how in the world is he going to cope with trying to nurse after straight formula and bottle for 24+ hours? That night the nurse comes in and says they couldn’t get enough blood for one of the tests so they will have to prick him again, inside I scream not even wanting to think about how this time is going to be but fortunately they are going to wait until tomorrow morning when he is more hydrated. In the morning they take the blood via heel prick again and it isn’t that bad for which I am so grateful. I talk to the doctor, the nurse, the dietician and the lactation specialist and long story short I don’t produce enough milk anymore. I only produce about 4 oz every 6 hours, yeah definitely not enough. So basically Little Jon is on a formula only diet and if I want to breast-feed I can supplement with it but really h just needs to be on formula, I tried nursing him once and he actually kind of did but I already fed him formula like ordered so it lasted like oh 3 minutes. I decided to nurse my baby on a "as mommy needs basis" thus far I haven’t nursed him again, though I might go try after I finish this post. They weighed Little Jon after about 24 hours of formula feeding and he gained 10 oz, all in one day I was so proud, but also a little hurt. I was upset that I could no longer provide for my son what he needed. My mother-in-law has always talked about how hard it would be to be a pioneer mother and have your baby die because you weren’t nourished enough to provide milk for your baby and they starve to death, I think I kind of get what she is saying now, and yeah it would suck. 

       As to why I no longer produce enough milk well we have no idea. It is probably nothing I did just mother nature, so that made me feel at least a little bit better. We were released from the hospital and we went home. Now I have been lucky enough to never feel engorged or in pain if I miss a feeding or 2, I have just been super blessed that way, maybe it is because my breasts are so freakishly huge now that they could never possibly get completely full but whatever. Anyway so I told the lactation specialist I have never been in pain so she didn’t give me anything to help my milk dry up. I haven’t fed my son in 3 days. It hurts, and they are so heavy. Running today was a painful experience in a new way. It isn’t really bad just when I put almost any kind of pressure on them. I tried to hand express some milk today in the shower barely anything came out, but they are still as hard as rocks. If it gets worse I will go to a doctor but for now it is just a new pain. Being a parent brings such a new understanding to the pains of life. I know it is helping me become a better stronger person but it is also really hard, especially those protective mother pains, oh well maybe some day it will get easier but I doubt it.