Surprise we had a baby.... and I'm still pregnant

So around 630 pm on November 19th I started having contractions. My doctors had told me if I had contractions to take Tylenol, lay down, drink lots of water, and take a bath. If I was still contracting after an hour then I would need to come in to get checked. I'd gone in a week ago to get checked because of contractions but by the time I got admitted to the hospital everything had slowed down and they sent me home. I felt pretty silly about the whole ordeal so this time I wanted to make sure it was real. After 2 hours of contractions I told my husband I thought we should go to the hospital. Looking back I should've known I was in labor. In fact at one point I came out crying to my husband (he was doing the dishes and putting kids to bed) and said "I don't want these babies any more this hurts!" Jokingly my husband said "Are you in transition?" We both laughed and I went back to my room to contract some more. Several times over this experiences we both thought you know if I was full term this would be real labor but between it being so early and having been turned away before it messed with our brains. We started getting ready to go. I sat on the toilet one more time because I had been battling gas cramps with my contractions and I felt like I could maybe get something out finally, once again I should've seen it coming. As I started pushing I felt like my vagina was ripping open.  I told Jonathan to come over and see if he was feeeling what I was. As I stood up from the toilet I pushed one more time and out came our baby. Jonathan caught the baby in his hand and then helped move me so I was laying down in the shower. I held the baby on my lap as Jonathan called 911.  The baby was moving, looked like he was trying to breathe, and making noises but he was so little. The ambulance got to our house swiftly and transported me to the hospital right by our house in Payson. Jonathan and I remained calm the entire time. I was probably in shock because I kept apologizing to the paramedic for how tight our hallways were and they were transporting me to the ambulance. In Payson they also have a volunteer rescue group. So when I noticed my precious bishop helping carry me out to the ambulance I happily said hi and told him how sad we were that with he new ward boundary change we weren't in the same ward anymore. He looked at me like I was crazy. The same way the paramedics looked at me for apologizing for our small hallways. When we arrived at the Payson hospital they cut the cord and whisked baby away to go take care of him and then we got me situated and waited to see if I was going to deliver our other little boy. When they felt like I could make the ambulance ride up to Provo without delivering they sent me. My baby would be life lighted there shortly after they had him stable. I got to the Provo hospital just fine and was taken up to labor and delivery to be monitored. Since delivering Cayden I haven't  had another contraction. Labor seemes to have completely stopped. I haven't delivered Cayden's placenta. When they cut the cord for Cayden they sealed it up and shoved it back inside. It's 8 AM on November 22nd. Cayden is in the NICU and doing miraculously considering his circumstances. Baby B is still inside. I still haven't had any contractions the baby inside me looks great and healthy and his amniotic sac is still intact. The main worry right now is infection. Any sign of infection and they will take the baby immediatly. Otherwise I am here in the hospital until I give birth again which all the nurses tell me they hope is in like 10 weeks.  We are in uncharted territory. This doesn't happen often and so there aren't many statistics. I could go into labor any minute or I could stay pregnant we will just have to wait and see.

This is Cayden, middle name is pending brothers birth but I was so sick and tired of calling him baby A we at least had to give him a first name. Cayden means fighter and that is definitely what he is. When he was born he was 1.5 lbs and 11.5 inches long. His head is about the size of a cutie clementine.
And like a fool I can't figure out how to post pictures on this blog so they will be on facebook.

Stress, and it's glorious side effects.

Dear Friends,
I asked on Facebook recently what people do when they are stressed that isn't binge eating. After reading your comments, having a breakdown and discussing it with my dear, sweet husband I've come to an answer. For those who don't want to read a super long post I'll give you my insight now and explain it all later.

WHEN I DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH MY CHILDREN MY LIFE FALLS APART.

     Ok here is a little back story. I am pregnant with my 4th child. My first was a c-section, my second was a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) my third was a c-section and I am trying for another VBAC or VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans) if you want to get technical. I have never tested positive for gestational diabetes but my mom had it and i suspect I do as well because my 1st and 3rd children were over 10.5 lbs. With my second I did the gestational diabetes diet and exercised during the pregnancy and he was only 8 lbs 1 oz. We are very motivated to have another vaginal birth and so I am dieting and exercising to keep this baby small. I've been doing great, much better than I expected actually. About 7 weeks ago at my last doctors appointment I had lost 7 lbs since the start of  my pregnancy, I was ecstatic. A week and a half ago I went to the Lloyd family reunion in Hawaii with my family. I was really good at staying off sweets, I caved and ate late night snacks (which I'm realizing is really just as bad). Finally around day 6 of 9 I broke down to my husband about how I felt like I was missing out because I wan't getting sweets like everyone else was. I didn't feel successful for abstaining I just felt like I was missing out. We decided that have a little bit of sweet wouldn't kill me, it was worth fixing this issue. We got home and a couple days later I had my doctor appointment. i had gained back the 7 lbs i had lost and an additional 4. I was crushed. Did I just guarantee my own c-section? I was so upset and had a renewed vigor to get back on the horse and not have snacks or sweets and to make sure i was working out. That night Jonathan had to go into work late and so I was putting the kids to bed and it was just a nightmare. I tried to be nice but it felt like  the kids just wouldn't listen and then I just wasn't very nice. I texted Jonathan and told him to pick up ice cream on the way home. I was going through the turmoil or wanting ice cream because i was so distressed and also hating myself for wanting the ice cream. Jonathan said he wasn't anywhere close to done with work but he would call me on his way home and see if I still wanted it. In the end he didn't get ice cream, but i did have another serving of dinner.
      On another note my family has had a very hard time getting back onto the right time zone since Hawaii. The kids stay up late and then sleep in late which I have been enjoying but I have also been sleeping in which makes my life less successful. Anyway this morning i woke up to Nathaniel covered in lipstick. He had gotten into my makeup and smeared a whole tube of lipstick and lipgloss all over our window sil(?), floor in our laundry room, and carpet in the front room. I was furious. I told Jonathan to clean him up and put him back in bed until i got the mess cleaned up and was able to talk to Nathaniel calmly. I cried and felt horrible because I had yelled at him which was just what I needed after how I treated the kids the night before. Jonathan had to go to work so after I cleaned up the mess somewhat I sent the kids downstairs tow watch a movie while i cleaned the carpet, because that lipstick was not coming out. After the movie was over I sent the kids outside so I could finally make breakfast. While making breakfast I was reading your comments on what to do instead of binge eating and honestly I just got discouraged. Hobby time? What do you do with your kids? Do you send them outside, start a movie? What are they doing while you are trying to have your detox time? Probably destroying the house so that option is out. After they go to bed? That's couple time.Assorted snack options that was more discouraging because I am trying to not gain any more weight so that just set me off into a fit of tears. (I don't mean to make anyone feel bad, really I am just trying to explain how I got the the conclusions I did. I am raging with hormones right now so know I don't hate any of you for your suggestions.) More fruits and veggies, sounds great but they are so expensive. I was cooking breakfast and reading your ideas when i just started bawling. I figured there was no cure, and hey maybe I should just binge eat because then I would be "happy" and c-sections really aren't that bad after all. (In all seriousness, they really aren't if they are planned. With my 3rd I have a planned c section and it was actually quite wonderful. But I really want to have that bonding experience with my husband as he helps me get through labor, it is truly the most uniting experience of our marriage.) Jonathan came up(he sometimes works from home) and noticed me crying and let me just explode at him. He then very sweetly said would you like me to help you find a solution to this or do you just want to feel for a little longer? (Isn't he just the best?) I told him I was done feeling like crap give me a solution. Oh and BTW my house is a disaster right now too which just made everything more dramatic.
     We have found that our children misbehave when they need attention. If I give them the attention they need they are glorious and so am I. Notice this morning I started by exploding at Nathaniel banishing everyone to the basement and then outside. We didn't sit down for breakfast until probably 10. I felt like the kids were always in my way. If I could just send them away for a weekend and get the house clean, and my life back on schedule surely that would fix everything. What my children needed was me. This morning i should've done a quick clean up of the mess and then made breakfast while talking to my kids and then spent sometime hanging out with them until they were content and then cleaned the carpets. I am very motivated to clean my house. It is important to me to have a clean house with chores done. I have hard time playing with my children. I get bored, I don't know how to do it and it is always after my chores are done and the house is clean. I have found that when i spend time with my children and take time out to do what they want to do I still have time to get my chores done. Somehow it all works out when I put them first. But when I put my needs and wants first it usually ends in yelling and hurt feeling, and binge eating.
    Yes, i need to find better stress management techniques but the better solution is to find a way to eliminate the stress instead. Cure the disease instead of finding a different band-aid for it. So after breakfast I went outside with my boys and we ran through the sprinkler, and pretended to fly on airplanes and catch turtles in the ocean, and then we came inside and watched a TV show and I put them down for naps and guess what? They were a joy to be with, and so was I. My house is still a mess, I still haven't showered or done any chores, but I spent sometime with my kids and everyone was happy. And really, isn't that what it's really all about? Putting my kids first should be my top priority and though it is something i truly struggle with, slowly I will get better day by day as I choose them over my wants.

Mommy, Somebody Needs You

I recently read this article. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4900686

The very watered-down jist of the story is all those tedious things that mothers hate doing such as wiping noses, changing clothes and patting backs, all those of obnoxious things we do are because someone needs us and that eventually those days will end and nobody will need us anymore and we will miss those days dearly. It's a great read, it made me cry. But then again everything makes me cry now.

So Emily's crib is falling apart. Our plan was to put the side back on the crib Nathaniel is sleeping in and move Emily into it and then move Nathaniel into the double bed that Little Jon is currently sleeping in and have them sleep together. It saves space it is the cheapest option. Little Jon loves to sleep with Nathaniel they've done it a couple times before however Nathaniel really likes having his own space. Tonight was the first night we instigated the boys must sleep together program. The boys weren't being very obedient so they were sent to bed early. When I put Nathaniel up in Little Jon's bed(it's a top bunk) he was virtually hysterical he did not want to sleep there however we decided that if we were going to go through this we had to be consistent. Plus all changes have a certain adjustment period. For 40 minutes I kept going back into their room telling Little Jon to leave Nathaniel alone and to go to sleep. Finally I decided to stay in there and rub their backs until they fell asleep.  Nathaniel fell asleep after about 13 minutes. Little Jon however, seemed quite alert. About this time I start thinking about how much I need to go feed Emily, and how much I don't want to be rubbing his back anymore, about how my arm is really tired from reaching over the top bunk to try to reach his back so I can rub it. I try explaining this to Little Jon, he just begs me to stay and keep rubbing his back. Write as I am trying to find a way, anyway, to get out of rubbing his back anymore a little voice in my head says "Mommy, somebody needs you." And so instead of leaving, and trying to find a way out of it, I stayed. For the first time in a long time I chose my children over cleaning the house or getting other things that I wanted to get done. This is something that I have really been trying to work on recently. I feel like I'm not a very nice mother and it's got me worried. I've been trying really hard to work on it and tonight I finally felt like I had a little piece of success. My house is a disaster, there are groceries all over the floor (but at least I got all the frozen and refrigerated stuff put away right?) but that's okay because tonight somebody needed me.

A Thought on Motherhood and Body Size

I have mostly been using this blog as a way to update my in-laews who are currently in the Philippines but today I would like to change my focus and write a letter to my dear sweet mother, because if I write it down I will be able to get all of my feelings out coherently... I hope.

Dear Mom,
I came to an amazing realization today and I owe it all to you. I have never thought you ugly, ever, not even once. When I think of you I don't think of how much you weigh of how your hair looks or whether the house was clean. When I think of you I feel love. I don't just think about it I feel it. Motherhood is hard and I am sorry for being a punk most of my life I am so sorry. I wish I could have had the foresight to see how much my actions affected you. I guess thats the curse of motherhood you never realize how hard it is and how much you're children's action affect you and your happiness. That however is a thought I will go into deeper at another time.

Mom,
You have always been beautiful to me, always. That has made me realize that my children too, will think I am beautiful. I believe there is a beauty that comes with motherhood, that or kids really don't care about how much their parents weigh or how they dress. It brings me such comfort to know that even though I may not always be happy with my body my children are. It is soft and makes a great pillow. It can hold them tight when they are hurt and it can kiss all the boo-boos away. My body is good enough, I am good enough. So I vow to stop the body bashing because really who does that help anyway? Also, if I ever voice those negative thoughts about my body it gives them power over me and in turn will show my children that maybe they need to question their bodies too, and they don't, they are beautiful. So the bashing stops now, that acceptance begins now because if I am good enough for them and they think I am beautiful what else matters? If I have only ever thought of you as beautiful why can't my children think of me the same way? I have confidence that they will, and that confidence helps me feel beautiful, just the way I am. So bring on the swim suits and unflattering pictures because I am beautiful and I owe it all to you.
Thanks Mom.

It's Different This Time

Dear Mom,
I've noticed a very interesting phenomenon with Emily. You see usually right after I have a baby I enjoy having a newborn, for about a week and then I get bored and wish they would learn how to smile, or roll over or anything really. With Emily I am completely basking in the newborn-ness. I love to sit and look at her I don't mind nursing her for an hour plus (except that it's hard to keep the boys occupied that long). I sit and think about how much I love having a newborn. I've been wondering what has been different this time around and Jonathan helped me realize that currently she is my only child that doesn't destroy the house. I think he is on to something. I love having a baby that is so sweet, small, and immobile.
Little Jon has really blossomed into his older brother role. I ask him to help me do things all the time and he is so willing. He helps burp Emily, helps Nathaniel find his shoes and when Nathaniel is having a hard time getting up the slide or out of a whole Little Jon is there hand outstretched offering his service. It is adorable.
We had quite the experience at the grocery store today. Grocery shopping with 3 kids is hard because I don't have room for them and groceries, the cart simply isn't that big. So today Little Jon was standing on the outside of the cart, on the front and holding on. He likes to jump off and on, which is super obnoxious, and occasionally I bump into his feet accidentally. He thinks its funny, most of the time. I also can't see Little Jon when he is on the front of the cart because Emily's car seat is just too big. Anyway we were going through the store when Little Jon hopped off. I didn't know this and so I plowed on trying to get through the store as fast as I could. I rammed into Little Jon which hurled our cart to an immediate halt causing me to hit Little Jon in the head with the cart and, even better, Nathaniel who was standing in the basket flipped out and landed on the floor. It was a pretty nice bonk. Nathaniel is crying and as I tell Little Jon not to jump off the cart, rather forcefully, i see that he has a goosed on his head which makes me feel even worse. Thankfully everyone is ok, except my mommy ego.
SLY

Firsts

Dear kids,

Emily you smiled for real for the first time today and it melted my heart.

Little Jon today you played your first game of catch with your dad and he was so proud of you and had so much fun. You giggled the whole time. Dad can't wait for you to get bigger so you guys can play all kids of sports together.

Nathaniel you still aren't napping well because you are sick. I hope you get better soon.

I want to try to write a little bit about how the kids were that day so they have a fun record to look back on.

We are trying to put all of our camping stuff in one place which is requiring me to clean out or storage and it's making me super nesty.

Dad is trying to teach me how to throw  a  ball. He is failing and in sad to say it's not his fault. 

A Holy Woman

Dear mom, 

I read this book recently by Elder Russell M Nelson's wife. It's called What Would a Holy Woman Do? The gist of the story is that she goes on a three day challenge where every day she takes one ordinary tasks and thinks what would a holy woman do and sees how that changes her day. She also challenged several of her friends to do it with her. And the book is all about their experiences and what we can learn. As I read the book I had many thoughts. I have found that unfortunately I am in the habit of yelling at my children. It seems to be my go to when things go wrong. I came to the realization when Betsy was here helping out. I noticed as she would spend time with the children that when they would do something wrong she never yelled at them once but very calmly or even sternly corrected them and counseled them. I remember thinking as things went wrong what my reaction would be and then seeing what Betsy did instead and realizing that her way was better. Yelling does not accomplish the task that I was trying to do. It is not something a holy woman would do. It is something that I am striving to work on.

The other realization I had was how important it is to be with your children. When I spend time with them it is important that I am not just give them half of my attention while I scroll through Facebook or anything else. But when I'm spending time with my children I need to be with them.

When I nurse Emily I almost always open Facebook and start to scroll through that. My problem is when I scroll through Facebook I don't want to get off until I've seen all the new news because I want to make sure I haven't missed anything. Which in reality if it's that big news I'm going to see it because lots of people are going to comment on it and so it's going to be at the top of my newsfeed a lot. However I found that this is a major problem. I will be nursing and the boys will come up and want some of my attention but in my mind nursing time is Facebook time so I ignore them which leads to a lot of problems. The few times I've tried to do story time during nursing like you suggested have gone really really well. I need to stick to that or at least be available to chat with them so that they feel like I'm not just ignoring them multiple times a day. I have also realized that Facebook is a very poor use of my time. If the boys don't want my attention while I am nursing I should use it is time to study my scriptures. I've really been struggling to try and find a time to sit down and have a few minutes of quiet where I can read my scriptures and as I pondered upon this I realized that nursing is a good opportunity to do that. So a holy woman, in my opinion, would spend her time nursing giving her children the attention they need. If they are happy on their own using that time to better herself through scripture study.

A holy woman also cares about her body. Meaning that she exercises and eats healthy she does not ignore it and let it fall by the wayside and gain unnecessary pounds. She would cherish the gift that her Heavenly Father gave her and protect it and keep it healthy and strong. 

These are all things I am striving to work on things that I feel are important to change. I am so very glad that I had the opportunity to read this book. And I hope that I can become a more holy woman as I work on these tasks. 

SLY